No. No dream lives. Go and do it.

I agree with what you say about the people you are with being the most important thing. And I understand the need for fantasy and escape when you are in the trenches. But once you're not, and you're not really any more, go and do the thing.

Or a version of the thing. Fantasies won't let you down or be hard. But they aren't real either and they won't be fulfilling.

I have woken up at 43 (and I am still in the trenches of young parenthood to some extent), and realised that I wasn't doing things that made me happy or fulfilled (parenting aside) and I didn't know what I wanted or what I wanted to do.

In fact, the only decisions I've taken for myself in the last 15 years were to go back to university and to have children. Those might sound big, but neither left me with clear direction and I've been floundering.

I'm just starting to work through what I actually want (to write) and am working to try and match that with the reality of needing to earn money. It's a process and it's hard, but it's much better than staying in the half life that I was cruising in. Fortunately I have a very supportive partner and the privilige to be able to take (some) time.

Maybe you are ecstatically happy in your life - and apologies for my long comment and for overreach if that is the case - but it doesn't read that way. You sound like you fell into a life out of necessity and you like some bits of it a lot. But you also sound like you are yearning for something real that is yours. If that is true then you should go and get it.

I shall get off my soapbox now :D